Gaining Closure
by fairy-dust3
Summary: The day before Abby's wedding she and Luka gain a little closure
1. Default Chapter

I'm generally not a Carby but this story doesn't really focus around it at all so there you go. Once again, I do not own any of the characters but damn it I wish I did. Read, enjoy, and, if you're feeling really really nice, review.  
  
GAINING CLOSURE  
  
Abby sighed loudly and put down the magazine she was reading. She hadn't really paid any attention to the articles she had read. Butterflies were having some kind of rave in her stomach. It was her wedding tomorrow. Her beautiful, white wedding to the beautiful man of her dreams. She looked at the photo on the table next to her and smiled. After the dreaded relationships that were Richard, Mark and, of course, Luka, she couldn't believe she'd found someone she was so much in love with and, even more surprisingly, someone who loved her back just as hard.  
  
Luka. They hadn't really spoken since she and John had announced they were engaged. That was eight months ago. They'd said fleeting words at work, mostly during traumas, but otherwise he avoided her. Got other nurses to help him on cases, other med-students. She was both now, yet he came to her as neither.  
  
In a split second, Abby had made a decision. Abruptly, she stood up, threw on her coat and grabbed her keys. She scribbled a quick note to John, in case this was going to take longer than she expected. "Gone to visit a friend, back later. Love you xxx."  
  
Abby pounded on the door to Luka's apartment. She'd been at it for five minutes, and he was either ignoring her, not in, asleep, or in a drunken stupor, which seemed to be happening more and more often.  
  
Suddenly, the door was pulled open harshly, almost wrenched off its hinges. Abby bit her lip so hard she almost drew blood. It was all she could do not to gasp. Luka looked horrible. His eyes were blood shot with huge bags underneath them, as if he had not slept in weeks. His face was sallow and thin, his cheekbones painfully visible. He had lost a lot of weight and his clothes hung off him. His hair was sticking up everywhere.  
  
"Abby," he said softly, his voice hoarse, sounding like he hadn't used it much for a while.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"I wanted to see you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
Luka just shrugged, turning back into his apartment, leaving the door open. Abby stepped inside and her stomach convulsed at the stench of alcohol coming both from the apartment and Luka, as she now realised. She watched as Luka flopped on to the sofa she had once slept on and picked up the half empty bottle of Smirnoff on the table.  
  
Abby perched on the edge of his huge armchair they had once shared and looked at him.  
  
"You didn't RSVP for the wedding," she stated, not able to think of anything else to say.  
  
Luka shrugged again, taking a deep swig from the bottle. "I'm not going."  
  
"But I'd really like it if-"  
  
"I'm not going," he replied, more forcefully this time.  
  
"Please, just talk to me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I miss you Luka."  
  
"Fuck that."  
  
"We used to be so close, and now you've just stopped talking to me. You won't even look at me. Why not? What have I done?" She tried to look into his eyes, once deep and brown and filled with life, but now empty, as if he had already given up. "What did I do to you?"  
  
"You didn't do anything."  
  
"Then why this?"  
  
Luka said nothing, just made his best attempts to drain the bottle and look at the hole in the knee of his jeans.  
  
"Fine, I'm going then."  
  
Abby meant it. She'd come here to try and make peace, but not if he was going to just sit there silently and drink.  
  
"Don't marry him."  
  
His voice, so lonely and sad, stopped Abby as her hand reached for the door. "What?"  
  
"Don't marry him."  
  
"Why not? You expect me to do what you're doing and not get on with my life?"  
  
Luka shook his head melancholically. "I didn't say that. Be happy, move on, get married, have thousands of children and move to the suburbs. Just, not with him."  
  
"You can say his name Luka."  
  
"Not with Carter."  
  
Abby sighed, it was close enough for now. She moved back to her seat in the armchair and rested her head on her hands and her elbows on her knees. "Why not?"  
  
"I just...I don't know." He scratched his leg through the growing hole. "I love you."  
  
"Don't start this again."  
  
"I'm not trying to start anything. It's just...I never got over you. I'm still in love with you."  
  
"What about Nicole? Gillian? Sam?"  
  
"Nicole was just to make you jealous. Gillian went back to her boyfriend in Montreal and Sam's gone."  
  
"Oh." She took Luka's hand, the one that wasn't holding the bottle. His knuckles were ripped and caked with dry blood. "What happened?"  
  
"Nothing. Had an argument with a wall."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Did you ever love me?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"When we were going out? Did you love me?"  
  
"Of course I did. Part of me still does."  
  
"Then why marry Carter?"  
  
"Because part of me loves you, but the rest loves him. And you and me weren't good for each other, you know that. We only made each other more and more miserable."  
  
"You never made me miserable."  
  
"Luka, you know it's true. And I loved you and it hurt but it was for the best."  
  
"Does he make you happy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And I didn't?"  
  
"With you...all we did was hurt each other, but it was like I was addicted to the hurt. Know what I mean?"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Please, Luka. I want you and I to be friends. Not just friends like you were with Dave. Real friends. And I want you to be happy."  
  
"I want you to be happy too. And I'd like to be friends."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Luka ran his thumb slowly over her hand. "You should probably go now."  
  
"Probably."  
  
They both stood up, hands still clasped together.  
  
"Will you come tomorrow Luka?"  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"Please."  
  
Luka nodded slowly and looked at their hands. "Maybe."  
  
Abby stood on her tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his mouth. "Goodbye Luka."  
  
Then she was gone, closing the door behind her, her vanilla scent still wafting around Luka, intoxicating him.  
  
He walked back over to the table and picked up the bottle, draining the last few dregs from the bottom. Anger, sadness, confusion, all the emotions suddenly filled him and he threw the bottle with a shout, just staring as it smashed into the wall, glass shattering everywhere, a few droplets dripping down the wall.  
  
A lump grew in his throat and he found it hard to swallow, to breathe. A huge, heart-wrenching sob racked his tired body and he fell to the floor, his face in his hands. And for the first time in almost fifteen years, he let himself cry. 


	2. Forever hold your peace

Okay, so this was originally meant to be a stand-alone but after reviews (granted 3) that said it would do well with another chapter I have decided to add it.  
  
This probably will be only a two part now.  
  
I don't actually know how the whole wedding thing does so if it's wrong it's wrong.  
  
FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE  
  
Luka slid silently into the back of the church as Abby reached the altar. She looked beautiful. Her long white dress clung to her every curve and she was positively glowing. She looked happier than Luka had ever seen her before.  
  
The music stopped and everyone fell silent. Carter grinned at Abby and she smiled back.  
  
"I love you," he mouthed.  
  
"Love you too."  
  
Luka clenched his fists. What had given him the stupid idea to come today? Abby had said she wanted him here. So? It's not as if her day would be ruined if he hadn't come. He thought to sneak back out the way he had slipped in, but as he went to stand, the priest began.  
  
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-"  
  
He clenched his fists so hard his short, bitten nails pressed into his skin.  
  
"-to witness the coming together of this man, and this woman into the bonds of Holy matrimony-"  
  
This man and this woman, he thought bitterly. It should be him up there, smiling at a beaming Abby. Not Carter. Not the man who screwed him over every time.  
  
"-the couple have chosen to write their own vows-"  
  
Not matter what he did, Carter always did one better. He got an amazing save at work; Carter got an even more amazing one. Luka had a great story to share with staff members, Carter had a better one. Luka had a funny anecdote; Carter's was funnier. Luka got a great girl; Carter got the best girl. Carter got Abby.  
  
"-Abby-"  
  
Abby smiled at Carter and cleared her throat. "I haven't had the easiest time with relationships and so after a few particularly nasty break ups-"  
  
Namely ours, Luka thought.  
  
"-I never thought I could trust men again. But then my best friend for two years came along and swept me off my feet-"  
  
Yea, right in the middle of our relationship.  
  
"-You always know how to make me feel better when I'm sad and how to help in bad situations. You make me happy-"  
  
Like I couldn't.  
  
"-And I want to make you as happy as I am. I want to spend everyday of the rest of my life with you. You make me feel like I'm spinning and I don't ever want to stop. I love you John."  
  
Luka clenched his fists tighter. Blood dripped in small, slow streams down his hand.  
  
"-John-"  
  
"Abby, after Lucy, I felt like I was dead inside, that I'd stay that way. But you brought me back to life. I feel in love with you the first instant saw you, and I love you more each day. It killed me that when I first met you you were seeing someone-"  
  
Me, you cocky, self-centred, filthy rich bastard.  
  
"-And then I just couldn't work up the courage to tell you how I feel. I can't believe it took a small pox scare to bring us together but I'm glad it did. I can't imagine my life without you, just spending time away from you hurts. I want to grow old together, have kids together and retire to a cottage together. I love you Abby."  
  
A drop of blood fell to the floor, making a small 'plink' as it did so.  
  
"Now, repeat after me. I Jonathan Truman Carter-"  
  
"I Jonathan Truman Carter-"  
  
The third, you forgot the third. Stupid poncy name. What kind of a name is Truman?  
  
"Take you, Abigail Lockhart-"  
  
"Take you, Abigail Lockhart-"  
  
"To be my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, until death do us part."  
  
"To be my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, until death do us part."  
  
"Now, Abigail, repeat after me. I Abigail Lockhart-"  
  
"I Abigail Lockhart-"  
  
Most beautiful women in the world.  
  
"Take you, Jonathan Truman Carter-"  
  
"Take you, Jonathan Truman Carter-"  
  
It should be Luka Mikhail Kovac, he thought. I should be up there marrying her.  
  
"To be my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, until death do us part."  
  
"To be my lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, until death do us part."  
  
These vows mean nothing, Luka shouted to himself in his head. When would Carter ever be poor? Abby shouldn't be marrying Carter; she should be marrying him.  
  
"Can we have the rings please?"  
  
Susan stepped forward and gave a gold wedding band to Abby, whispering something as she did so. Some relative of Carter's handed him the ring.  
  
Luka stopped listening at this point. He could feel blood dry on his palms. He was almost shaking as Carter took Abby's small, delicate beautiful hand and slid the ring on to it, smiling. Abby did the same thing, smiling the same smile.  
  
"If anybody knows good reason why these two people here should not be joined in Holy matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."  
  
Luka's legs ached for him to stand up, his jaw was hurting from keeping it clenched, his heart was screaming at him to run to the front of the church, to grab Abby and say she couldn't marry Carter.  
  
"If no one has anything to say then I now pronounce you husband and wife."  
  
Luka had missed his chance. They were married. He'd come to stop it, he'd been ready to shout his story. But when the moment came he couldn't do it. Because for a split second he's registered just how happy Abby looked, how truly happy. And in that split second his heart melted, his fists relaxed, releasing the pressure on his hands, and he couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt Abby like that. He had no right. She was happy, finally happy. And he had to le her go.  
  
"You may now kiss the bride."  
  
Even so, Luka had to look at the floor when they kissed. He couldn't watch that. The band began to play again and the guests clapped as Abby and Carter began to walk towards the doors of the church.  
  
He needed a drink. A stiff drink. Vodka. A bottle. Maybe two. Three or four. Just enough to knock him out for a few hours, to kill to pain in his heart, the pain that made his stomach convulse.  
  
Luka stood up and walked out into the sunlight that burned his eyes. No one would notice him leave now. They were all hugging and kissing the happy couple, and were ready to go off to the reception to get royally pissed. Just the same as Luka. But he didn't have friends or family to do it with. He just sat in the dark and quiet of his apartment and drank until he passed out. All he had to keep him company know were his thoughts.  
  
"Luka!"  
  
Shit he'd been seen. And worse off by Carter. The last thing he wanted to do was look that slimy asshole in the face.  
  
Plastering a fake smile on to his sad and haggard face, Luka turned around. Carter was standing a few metres in front of him, his arms around Abby's waist.  
  
"Glad you could make it."  
  
I bet you are, so you can rub this is my face. You won, I lost, just like always.  
  
"Yea, well-"  
  
"Thanks for coming Luka."  
  
His smile faltered a little as Abby spoke. A lump rose in his throat and he opened his parched lips to force out the words he knew he was expected to say.  
  
"Congratulations."  
  
"Thanks man. You going to stick around for the party."  
  
Luka shook his head and fingered the flask in his pocket. "Things to do, patients to see."  
  
He kissed Abby on the cheek and reluctantly shook Carter's outstretched hand.  
  
"See you around."  
  
He left before they could say anything, across the grass and out of the churchyard. When he came to a bench on the side of the road he sat down and buried his head in his hands, aching for a cold drink to soothe his aching throat.  
  
He hated this. He hated what he had become. He hated that everyone he loved was dead or off with someone else. He hated that his colleagues spoke about him behind his back. He hated that his only friend was a bottle full of clear liquid. But more than anything else...  
  
He hated himself. 


End file.
